Helping Kids Cope with the Death of a Pet

My friend’s son was away at camp, and this was the longest time he has been apart from his cat. Josh is 11 and his cat, Gurkin, was around before Josh was born. Well, Gurkin died a week before Josh was came home. My friend called frantically asking if she should tell him.

After talking to my husband, we came to the conclusion that she should tell her son when he gets home. I don’t lie to my son, and my first thought was for my friend to tell her son outright. But, my husband convinced me that it would be best to wait. In hindsight, I think he was right.

It is hard dealing with the loss of a pet, and it is especially hard on children. I remember when my dog died. I was in fifth grade, and got summoned into the principal’s office. Back then being called to the principal’s office evoked a lot of “uh-ohs.” Basically, I was a good kid who didn’t get into trouble.

My mom was at the principal’s office, and she and the principal told me the news. I just sat and sobbed. My mom sobbed too. It took me a while to get over the loss.

My Son and Loss
This past October, my dad died. My son, who is 9, was extremely close to his grandpa. My son, Jordon, still asks ‘Why did Grandpa have to die?’ Then he will ask about Earl, our cat, and about other people and their pets. Earl is 16, and Jordon has known him forever. Jordon worries about Earl every so often. He sometimes gets mad and asks, ‘Why do people and animals have to die?’

Kids understand death differently than we do. I still can’t answer all of his questions about what happens after we die. I just don’t know. My husband, Steven, and I are honest with him, and that is all we can be.

Kids and Death
Children between the ages of 2 and 5 see death as temporary. I remember watching the Sesame Street episode where Mr. Hooper died. Big Bird was sad. Then the next day, he asked why Mr. Hooper was no longer at his store. When he was told that Mr. Hooper died, Big Bird got flustered and then mad. It was a moving show that really explained how kids that age feel about death.

Children between the ages of 5 and 9, start understanding death as permanent, and from 10 on up, children know that all living beings will eventually die. They also understand that death is final. Understanding death and accepting it are two very different things.

5 Tips on Explaining Death to a Child
1. Don’t tell a young child that you are putting an ill animal to sleep. That term is too vague, and it can make a child too afraid to go to sleep. Instead be honest. Explain why euthanasia may be the most humane option.

2. Ask your child what death and dying mean. Then as best as you can, explain it to him, and let your child know that the pet is not coming back.

3. Talk to your child, and let him know that he can talk to you about his feelings anytime. Ask him to write down his feelings or draw pictures. You may want to hold a memorial service to say goodbye, and have your child share his feelings at this ceremony.

4. Don’t hide your feelings from your child. You are grieving too. I know when my dad died I wanted to be strong around Jordon. I tried to hold it together as best as I could. I became incredibly cranky, until I finally fell apart. I think it is important for a child to see his parents cry; it actually encourages children to open up.

5. Tell you child’s teacher that the family pet died. This can clue your child’s teacher into your child’s behavior, especially if your child is acting differently.

Losing a pet is hard on everyone. The best remedies are to talk about the loss and the sadness, and to allow time for healing.